Article #14
Family Togetherness with a Spiritual Connection #2
Balanced self-care movement
Family ties are permanent!
There are very few bonds that are as strong as the bonds of a close family
William Fleeson (1968 and again in 2004) reported in “The Quality of American Life at the End of the Century,” that marriage, or a marriage-like close relationship, was the most important domain for a life of good quality. In marriage or marriage-like relationships couples interact emotionally on a regular basis.
In studies that go back as far as 1994, indicate that in order for families to be healthy, its members must have daily interactions in which their emotional worlds come into meaningful contact, times when their minds meet, when closeness is shared (Larson & Richards, 1994). Eating meals and spending other time together is thought to provide the opportunity for a family to replenish themselves and affirm their experience of wellness.
Benefits of family time
Core family leisure activities are significantly related to family cohesion, and balanced
family leisure activities are related to family flexibility (Smith, Freeman, Zabriskie, & Ramon, 2009). The higher the family leisure involvement, the higher the level of communication the family has with one another. As a result, these individuals learn to communicate with others better. Communication between family members in a leisure setting is often less threatening and demanding, and more open and relaxing than in any other family settings (Zabriskie & McCormick, 2001
When parents’ perceptions of family leisure were examined, findings showed that shared recreation was especially helpful in developing social skills, such as learning to problem solve, to compromise and to negotiate (Mactavish & Schleien, 1998). These are the qualities that naturally build great pro-social skills. Family time is the perfect setting in which to naturally teach children how to do the right thing. Parents should model positive behaviors, especially in arelaxing family time setting that should naturally motivate the children to do the same.
Research shows that each family member has to have their own personal meaning of family time andplace their own values upon it to see that it is carried out.
The meaning of family time involves an exploration of how beliefs, desires, expectations and ideals are part of, andshape, the everyday experience of family time (Daly, 2001).
Families have to want to spend quality family time together and value it dearly. Families who do not value spending quality time together will allow it to be shadowed by other demands and obligations.
Research has also explained how not having time to spend family time together can cause stress in the family.
When families find themselves developing a pattern of not spending time together, the consequences are often tragic:family members’ needs are not met and the family culture turns negative. Eventually if things don’t change, negative family traits begin to develop and sometimes last for generations. At that point, problems become so entrenched that they are next to impossible to change.
“Becoming a transitional Character: Changing Your Family Culture” cites research showing that passing on negative family traits from generation to generation isn’t a foregone conclusion.
Even if you grew up in a damaging home environment, you can choose different behaviors than thoseyou experienced there.
You can stop the negative patterns from flowing downstream to future generations. With education, focused effort, and help from others, you can choose to be a transitional character.
A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. Theircontribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so the generations downstreamwill have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.
Following is a snapshot of suggestions provided:
– Develop a vision of yourself as a transitional character. Seeing yourself successfully
changing negative family patterns can help keep you focused on your goal to be a transitional character rather than a simple transmitter of damaging behavior.
– Build supportive relationships with strong adults.
– Be deliberate about making changes.
– Celebrate (positive) family rituals.
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– Create a healthy emotional distance. The people we spend time with influence all of us. If your family of origin is particularly negative, consider distancing yourself so their impact on your own family is minimized.
– Marry at a later age.
– Read good books about family life.
– Join organizations that can help.
– Get an education. A good education teaches you to think clearly and make wise choices. It doesn’t matter what you study as long as you’re using your mind and developing your intellect.
The Tanner article was retrieved from:
https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Pages/challenges/Becoming-a-Transitional-Character- Changing-Your-Family-Culture.aspx
Also the article can be found by Googling the title: “Becoming a transitional Character: Changing Your FamilyCulture.”
Those families who are able to cope and adjust well with daily life demands are termed “healthyfamilies.”
“Seven Strategies for Building Your Family’s Resilience”
- Shut down catastrophic thinking. It’s a downward spiral style of thinking that leaves you unable to take purposeful action. Try not to panic in emergency situations.
- Create a strengths family tree. Identifying your family’s strengths is a great self-
awareness tool and a wonderful opportunity to talk to your kids about leveraging what they do well. If you or your kids are facing a challenge, have a discussion about how you can leverage your strengths to figure out solutions.
- Grab the good stuff. Thanks to the negativity bias, human beings are predisposed to
notice and remember the bad stuff that happens during the day. Positive interactions abound, but you often fail to remember them.
At the end of each day, ask each other to name several good things that happened during the day, andwhy that good thing was important.
This exercise only takes a few minutes, but studies show that those who make this activity a regular habit experience increased levels of happiness and optimism (Seligman et al., 2005).
- Encourage positive risks and discuss the lessons learned from failing. Sometimes children need to be given the opportunity to experience failure. By giving every kid an “A,” and saying every kid makes the team, we’rerobbing our kids of the ability to figure out how to get out of a challenge by studying harder, preparing differently, or by practicing more. A hallmark of resilience is being able to pick yourself up and course correct when the going gets tough.
- Rejuvenate regularly. Positive emotion is a key component of resilience (Cohn et al.,
2009). Being able to generate positive emotion through laughing together, doing physical
activities, going to the spa, playing board games and more will build your resilience as a family. Even though time is in short supply for many busy parents and kids, model the importance of taking time out to rejuvenate. You can’t be there for your family if your tank is always on empty.
- Be there for each other when things go right. Study after study shows that building strong social connections builds not only resilience but happiness. Shelly Gable’s research shows that how you respond to a person’s good news actually does more for building a relationship than how you respond to bad news. This applies across the board from personal relationships to business interactions. Responding in an active and constructive way, thatis, helping the bearer of good news savor it is the only response that builds good relationships. Killing the conversation by offering a terse response or hijacking the conversation by making it about you are quick ways to weaken a relationship (Gable, Gonzaga, & Strachman, 2006). Encourage your kids to start practicing active constructive responding not only with family members, but also with their friends.
- Allow family members to replicate successes. Dr. Carol Dweck has researched for decades what she callsfixed and growth mindsets. Oftentimes, when things go well, you
tell your kids “great job,” or “you must be really smart.” While nice, it doesn’t help your kids replicate their success.
A great thing happens to families when they play together: They begin to talk and laugh and lighten up.
Family memories are built, inside jokes are shared and serious moments of intimacy are communicated. Families need special times together to build lifelong memories and to play
As most experts will tell you, a family that plays together stays together. But I would add that a family that playstogether will also be much happier and healthier. For many families, play is the missing ingredient that glues the family together. Play can even open closed spirits and heal broken marriages.
Playing together as a family may open up the communication lines better than anything else you try,